I no longer care about formatting, grammar, the style of the essay, the intended audience, etc etc blah blah blah. I don’t care what some critic would say, I don’t care if anyone agrees. I’m getting sick and tired of letting social convention, expertise, or moral ideology cripple the life force that is my birthright in this life.
I’ve wanted to start this blog for quite a while now, but as usual I run out of steam shortly after getting it started. I remember the cause of this exhaustion of impetus being my awareness of the whole “strategy” of blogging. Master SEO! Monetize this! Keywords keywords keywords! It was like the meta of blogging was to find something that mildly interests you and then water it down by 380% so that it maximizes its reach, and add a bunch of bullshit keywords to the SEO thing to get it seen on Google. Then the software you put it through analyses and critiques it, then you watch a video about what phrases to use or avoid, what structure of sentences to use or avoid, how to do this, how to not do that etc etc blah blah blah. All you can do after that is give up, knowing that it is a hopeless endeavor to even attempt this, when the act of blogging is not just sharing a message you have, but marketing, optimizing, “artificializing” and soul selling. So much of my life has been destroyed before it even began because of this shit.
I no longer care. I need to express. I want to live in this fleeting life and actually experience things. I don’t give a fuck anymore about tutorials or advice or whether its done right or even whether or not I’m a good person. I’m sick of all this constant restraint. Life is supposed to be an adventure. They say; “life has no inherent meaning, it is up to us to create it ourselves” – yet every time I try the impulse is eviscerated by doubt, shame or guilt. Nothing can just be cool anymore, nothing can just be. Think about the gaming industry for example. Games have meaning when they create something new, or go against the grain unconcerned with the concept of pleasing everyone. Our modern day bureaucracy has become an investor form of capitalism, where the only thing that matters is pleasing shareholders rather than making good products. Nothing gets past the board! We went from the generational OG Call of Duty: Black Ops to the absolute slop that is Black Ops 7. We now have ridiculous micro-transactions, battle royales in every fucking game that no one asked for, and weak storylines designed to appeal to as many people as possible to drive up that shareholder value.
Hell, even this whole Google doc software shit reminds me of it. I have to have every thought assaulted by the idea that my authentic thoughts are not worthy or valuable without correction, based on a system of language and formatting that – surprise surprise, a bunch of other people that knew nothing more about why we are here than i do – made up.
Even now the Google doc software is trying to correct words I use and add things to make the thought “better”. Guess what? It is okay to just be and to do and to express. It doesn’t have to be “better” all the time. And better yet, the more you just do shit, the better it gets! It took me 26 fucking years to learn that because no one ever says it, and when they do, they’re just trying to get you to buy their fucking course, so here I am. Expressing.
Our current society has a poison flowing through it that no one sees. We have replaced religion with the concept of perfection. We live in under an authoritarian regime that resides in the shadows and begins to influence us from the moment we are born. There is a deeply seated internal shame that runs through the veins of many. Our parents require perfection, our teachers require perfection, our bosses require perfection, our society requires perfection – it never ends! We have created a machine that has run away from us! You can’t do anything interesting because it puts the shareholder value at risk, you can’t hang out with your friends because the town square is actually private property, “so you guys need to either buy something or leave.” You can’t do or say anything that would make a person mildly uncomfortable, because you as a person are morally inferior if you would ever cause a sliver of an inconvenience or a passing negative thought to another person. You can’t learn anything, because the school needs state funding which requires good scores on a bunch of manmade bullshit tests! You genuinely can’t do or say anything in this life anymore.
The heart adds pressure to the blood which pumps it to the rest of your body. Enough to spurt it 30 feet apparently, if a connection were severed. The lungs use pressure differences to pull air into your lungs so that you can breathe. An engine uses literal explosions to slam a piston down and turn a crankshaft that drives your car. Pressure or force creates change, which fuels life. Without change, life cannot occur. Usually, the squeezing of life’s pressures creates meaning, by pushing us to new areas. Now, you hit walls at every turn. The arteries are blocked by cholesterol or whatever, preventing the flow of life force, quite symbolic of the western epidemic of obesity I must say. The blood cannot flow when there are endless regulations, hoops, social rules, moral obligations and constant critiques blocking the vessels! For God’s sake Google docs if you put one more blue squiggly line under my fucking words i am going to scream.
When I was a kid, I used to wonder how anyone did anything in this life with the amount of restrictions placed everywhere. With all these rules to the game, how can anyone win? The secret is they don’t follow the rules! They bend them or skirt them entirely. That is how life is “won” through innovation that does not fit in the rules. We need to live. There is a mind virus that has hijacked our human desire for connection. As living things we do not want to be exiled. There is a danger and risk of death present in going about life alone. Even in our modern era, loneliness can lead to depression and then to violence, addiction or suicide. Naturally, we avoid this loneliness at all costs, which has allowed the mind virus to take hold. If you think or say something the general population does not like, you risk facing that dangerous, lonely void. If you do something without authorization, qualification, accreditation, expertise, or validation you risk facing that dangerous, lonely void. We have become infected with this to the point where everything is cookie cutter, no one wants to risk “offending” anyone, and everything is boring and devoid of meaning.
I cannot participate in this any longer. So here I am, expressing.